2022 Year-End Review

Note: This is a translation of my Chinese year-end review. I wrote it in Chinese because I wanted to express my thoughts more accurately. I’ve translated it into English using Claude 3.7 to share with more people. I hope you can understand and forgive any awkwardness in the translation.

If I were to summarize my 2022, the pandemic would definitely be an unavoidable topic. Most of my growth, changes, thoughts, emotions, and confusion this year were closely tied to it—though I didn’t want it that way.

I never imagined 2022 would unfold like this. A year ago, I wouldn’t have thought I’d experience such lockdowns in Shanghai during the first half of the year, then move to California in the latter half for brief freedom and growth. This year brought more mental growth and changes than any in recent years.

In January, a casual comment from XDC while walking downstairs—“I’m considering preparing for TOEFL, feels good to have more options”—made me seriously contemplate my future path.

In February, during a New Year visit to my aunt’s home, my cousin thoroughly educated me about studying abroad and job hunting, breaking through my information bubble and prompting me to focus on international exchanges and language tests.

In mid-March, I managed to get my test scores just one week before the city lockdown at a relative’s home.

Then came two months that changed my life. You have to experience it to understand.

In June, I exploited a loophole to quarantine for 5 days in Shijiazhuang, returned to Beijing for 2 days of home quarantine, and became a “free person”—winning the “fastest return to Beijing competition” (laughing).

In July, I squeezed in an internship purely to build my resume.

In August, I flew to California, beginning a new life experience. My studies in America felt quite suitable from the start.

In September, I made a leap in cooking skills and experienced the TOEFL exam.

October was busy with various midterms.

In November, I watched the unforgettable S12 finals and explored San Francisco.

In December, I successfully completed my finals with satisfactory grades. At year’s end, after an hour of deliberation between Alaska and Hawaii, my roommate and I chose the latter for a spontaneous trip.

In some ways, I’ve been very lucky this year. I didn’t have to go without showers for weeks like many classmates in spring, didn’t waste money and time returning home like many in summer, didn’t face continued lockdowns in the fall semester, and didn’t catch COVID in winter.

My biggest gain this year is probably that I’m not as anxious as before. That “I must accomplish something” mentality isn’t as strong anymore—thanks to the lockdown.

The biggest non-political realization during that time was how difficult it is to control one’s destiny. Major societal events can easily change and twist a person’s life.

My life path until now has been almost too “smooth sailing”—I haven’t truly experienced things beyond my control. Partly because my deep understanding of my abilities has helped me set reasonable goals, and partly due to good luck. This made me overly focused on success and failure, too “concerned” about myself. It made me fear failure in many endeavors, often making the process painful—though most outcomes were good.

But is it meaningful to repeat this pattern throughout one’s life? Are there really so many extremely important, necessary, must-do things in life?

I fear spending my whole life forcing myself to do what I “should” do. Like definitely joining big tech companies, prestigious schools, climbing to higher positions, maintaining/advancing social class… Even if I achieve all these, looking back, it seems life would have passed in a blur.

So in the second half of the year, I tried to forget these things. Forget those seemingly necessary tasks, no longer assigning grand meaning to life. I tried to focus on the present and on making myself happier in the moment.

This year I also experienced firsthand the decision-making process under the current social system. To say I’m full of hope for the future would be self-deception. But will leaving the country really solve problems and make me happy? I’m not so sure.

I used to think people could avoid politics their whole lives, but now I realize politics is always tied to everyone’s fate. Even if I move abroad, I might return to China after experiencing the dark side of Western society for years. If I return right after graduation, I might experience the darkness of the system more deeply and leave again, eventually concluding “humanity should just go extinct soon” (laughing).

2023 best luck👋